How to Talk with a Friend Considering Abortion
There are several things you can do and say to try to convince a friend to avoid abortion.
Consider the following guidelines:
Seek to Understand
Think about a time you felt panic or trapped and how it affected your decisions. Your friend probably feels like that. Grab tissues and ask her questions that give her a chance to express herself. Listen. She needs to feel heard. Communicate compassion. Say things such as:
“There’s no denying this is a difficult situation…”
“This new reality must feel overwhelming…”
Help her identify what she’s concerned about. Ask her:
“Why do you want an abortion?”
Her response might show concerns over money, school, shame, lack of support, feelings of inadequacy, or pressure to abort.
What does this show? She sees abortion as a means to fix a problem. Once she identifies the problem, suggest other means to address it by asking questions:
“If your parents wouldn’t kick you out of the house, would you be less likely to abort? Why?”
“I’m sad your parents said they’d kick you out. What if I connected you to place where you could live”?
“If you had the resources to raise a child, would you want to carry through with the pregnancy?”
“If I’m hearing you right, it sounds like you don’t have resources to care for a child. What if I connected you to a place that gives you those resources?”
“It can be scary to envision a future with a disabled child. Have you heard positive stories from those caring with kids with special needs?”
“I know you don’t love the father, so it’s hard to picture parenting. What if your situation was the opposite? If you were happily married and tried for so long to be pregnant, would you consider aborting?”
The point of these questions is to draw out any feelings of revulsion towards abortion. If she says she’d never abort in these scenarios, you can explore her thoughts on whether the difficulty of her situation changes her feelings.
Support Her
A true friend will stand by her throughout this unplanned pregnancy. If she feels abandoned, she may gravitate to the abortion which she feels will be a solution to her “problem” and any “aloneness” she feels. Offer to be with her when she has difficult conversations. Don’t only give her a phone number to call a pro-life doctor. Go with her. If you have to miss work or school to go with her, do it. Make sure the people you recommend are 100% pro-life.
Inform Her
With love, discuss:
Does she know what an abortion is? Ask her:
“What do you know about the abortion procedure? You deserve to know what I know. May I share with you some information?” Then show her videos from Live Action or the Canadian Centre for Bioethical Reform (CCBR).
“Have you heard about the complications and risks of abortion? May I share with you?”
The humanity of her pre-born child.
The inhumane nature of abortion.
How abortion can hurt her.
She might be unaware of how rapidly her pre-born child is growing. Ask her if you can show her a website that shows scientific facts about her baby’s development, such as ehd.org. This is a fetal-maternal health website with facts, videos, and 3D and 4D ultrasounds.
Be Unwavering
Friends don’t drive friends to abortion clinics. If your friend was to beat up her baby brother and you failed in convincing her not to, would you participate in that action, even if only to “be there to support her”? If she aborts and realizes later that she made a mistake, she’ll wonder why you helped facilitate it when you knew it was wrong. If you demonstrate integrity through consistent words and actions, this could be the factor that convinces her not to abort. You can say:
“If I help you get there, I’d be betraying you. I can’t erase what I know about abortion and I know it won’t be good for you or your baby.”
“I love you enough that I’ll endure you being mad at me rather than help you do something I fear you’ll regret in the future.”
Hopefully you won’t have to make that statement. You can go far in convincing her to make life-affirming choices! Then you can journey with her, being present throughout her pregnancy and beyond.
Source: See appendix A in “Love Unleashes Life: Abortion and the Art of Communicating Truth” by Stephanie Gray, 2015.